Welcome back, I guess.
I've been lying here in bed trying to get to sleep and somehow I thought of this little place. It has been a good old while since I've written anything on here but I thought why not. I created this blog for this very reason; to get my thoughts out of my head.
It's funny how certain memories always find their way to the surface, especially those that you try and forget. So, I thought I may as well get it out because I just want to sleep. Sleep has always been a bit of an issue ever since I could remember. Recently I can be sleeping up to 10-12 hours a night whereas I'd normally be lucky to get 7-8. Let's be honest, sleep isn't the reason that I am here writing on here.
I'm actually here to get this event out of my head without me having to tell an actual person.
Not to sound cliche but this starts at a stupid college party.
I had just moved back into the city after having one of the best summers of my life. I had reconnected with someone from high school and we were taking it slow as we didn't know what was going to happen when it came to going back to university in different states. Before the event, it was only a handful of days before when my love and I decided to try long distance. I had already gone back to uni while he spent the last couple of days at home with his family before he too went back to uni away from home. He decided to spend the last couple of days of his break with me as I was gearing up for one of the biggest years of my life. I was working close to full time while starting my final year of uni and heading into my 21st year of being alive.
We said our goodbyes with tears in our eyes and our hearts on our sleeves. It was hard but we both made a promise to each other that we would do our very best at uni not only for ourselves but for each other.
I had been working flat out and as the week came to a close it was time to go to the event. My friend and I had decided that tonight was just gonna be about us having fun and having a dance. I spent the first hour or so of the party working but when that hour was up it was all fun from there. My friend and I went to the bar and got two cups of vodka punch each and downed them like they were water. See, my friend and I are both heavy drinkers so we get a little competitive when it comes to drinking and who can hold the most. A friendly bit of competition never hurt anyone right? Wrong, it hurt me. That was the most drunk I had been in a very long time. I still haven't decided if that's the reason I haven't really told anyone or not but either way I'm not proud of it.
Fast forward to my friend and I tearing up the dance floor and being the most social people you'll ever meet. If you knew us then you'll know that is not very like us. The later it got the messier people got. They eventually had to close the bar down to stop everyone from drinking so quickly.
That summer I had been working out and eating right and I felt good about my body. For once in my life, I felt confident. I decided to wear something I'd been wanting to wear for a while but never felt good enough to pull it off. It will always make me wonder if what I wore made it easier for him or not.
This party was the event to welcome all the old students back into the college and to meet the new students. So many of us hadn't seen each other all summer and we were all catching up on lost time. I had encountered this person that I used to live next to earlier in the night and said our hellos and moved on. The thing about this person was that for the first two years at college I had a little crush on him and would always look out for him when he drank a little too much. It would be from the occasional turning off his light to helping him with his assignments if he was too hungover. I always saw him as a friend even when he said some rouge things, even about my race. Well, this night wasn't any different from any other time I helped him out. As usual, he drank too much and was put to bed by another friend earlier in the night. Somehow to everyone's astonishment he reemerged an hour later and ready to party some more.
The party was on its last legs and people were either getting ready to go out or go to bed. This person came and found me and was spurting some bullshit that made no sense so I told my friend I was taking him back to his room. Even in the drunken state, I was in (and in heels) I still managed to get him up two flights of stairs back to his room. This is where my memory gets a bit fuzzy. I stumble into his room, the door has been closed and I kind of drop him on his bed. He then looks up at me standing there and reaches his arms out so I take my shoes off and sit next to him on his bed. He starts talking about something uninteresting which makes my tiredness creep over me. I decide to lay down and he wraps his arms around me. I naively think, "Okay this isn't bad, he thinks of me as a sister". Over the last two years of knowing him he never really tried anything. There was the occasional hug or kiss on the cheek when he was drunk but nothing major.
I'm laying there almost asleep when he reaches up to my head and turns my face into his. His mouth attaches to mine and I feel his tongue slide through my lips and into my mouth. For a second I can't process it as it actually happening. But, it only takes me a second longer to pull my face from his. I sit up, now kneeling on his bed facing him as he sprawls out looking back at me surprised that I've moved. The first thing I manage to say is "I've got a boyfriend now." For most of my life, that is what I've been taught: that men will respect other man's property more than they will respect a woman.
It wasn't for a couple of days after the party that I remembered this next part.
After telling him about my new boyfriend he still proceeds to stick his hands up my skirt. I don't know what came next though but I either punched him in the chest of fell of the bed backward trying to get away. That's when he just laughed at me, laughed at my stupidity for either trying to hurt him or for falling. Who knows, but that sparked something in me that reset my emotions back to their original setting: anger.
I had spent a lot of my youth channeling my anger into more constructive methods which has come to help present me but I am thankful at this time that that is what I switched back into. If I got paralysed by fear I don't know what would have happened. We as females have been taught our wholes lives how to avoid this type of situation and I finally found myself in the same situation that I had heard about from so many. It is painful to admit that through other people's suffering at the hands of others that I had the courage to fight for myself.
I remember how I began to cry and how my eyes were so wet that my fake lashes became unstuck. I don't know if you know but apparently, it takes a lot of tears to cry off your fake lashes. I do some yelling and screaming at him that makes him back off, probably in fear of people hearing me and coming in. I don't remember if I could to the bathroom once, twice or whatever but I find myself in there trying not to vomit from the alcohol. At this stage, it is about 12:30am and I just want to go to sleep, so I do just that. I wake in the bathroom stall with my head resting on my arms over the toilet. I search for my phone and keys but can't find them in the stall. I get up off the floor and walk out of the bathroom into a dead silent college corridor. I suddenly remember what has happened. I walk down the corridor and stop outside his door. It's closed but he left his swipe keycard in his name tag on his door. I insert the card and open it slowly letting light into his pitch black room. With the hallway light flooding his room, I see him just laying there peacefully asleep. I see my stuff and shoes and grab it all and walk out as quickly as I can. I hustle down the stairs and outside to head back to my room. It starts to rain and my eyes well up with tears as I shiver walking back to my room. I check my phone and it's about 4am. I'm still very drunk which makes me think it is a good idea to call my boyfriend. I fall into bed with my phone against my ear listening to it ring hoping he picks up. On the last ring, I hear his croaky voice answer. Hearing his voice I just start sobbing. I cry into the phone and tell him I'm sorry and how I let someone kiss me. He can't really understand what I'm saying but he says I'll call you back in the morning so we can talk properly. I agree and hang up and instantly fall asleep.
I wake up a couple of hours later searching for water and food. I'm very much still drunk and it is 11am. My boyfriend calls me back and he says I was talking about punching someone and that I didn't need to apologise for someone else kissing me. I decide not to tell him anything else from that night and say I need to get food. I tell him that I love him and I hang up. I order some chips from the place next to the college and barely get five chips down before I feel the need to vomit. I head back to college, find the bathroom and I just let it all out. It's about 2pm and I think I have finally become hungover. I crawl into bed, bin next to my head and I pass out for another three hours or so.
I wake to see a post on the college group page about someone's phone being lost. I connect dots and realise that I still have his phone. It's dinner time so I gather my shit and slowly walk over to his building. I cautiously walk up the stairs towards his corridor and reach his room. It's already open with no one inside. I slip in and rest his phone on his desk next to his bed and leave without a second thought.
I had churned this event over and over in my head a million times over the next couple of months. I was tired of thinking about the what-ifs and annoyed with myself for even getting into that situation. It wasn't for a couple of months later that a mutual friend brought up that night while celebrating a mate's 21st. Turns out that this mutual friend was the one that put him to bed the first time and she went on to joke about how he tried to kiss her too. Apparently much to his displeasure she got her face away before he could make contact. I just stood there, I didn't know what to do or say so after a couple of seconds I just laughed and brushed it off. I excused myself and went to the bathroom. All the emotions had come back and I felt exhausted. I got myself together and went back out to join the party.
Every now and again someone will mention sexual assault, rape or even his name and I fell my heart drop into my stomach. I feel my chest tighten and my eyes water slightly. It's been almost two years and it is something that continues to happen. The fact that I have a physical reaction to this event and I managed to get away, it deeply pains me to think of the people that this has happened to or that is still happening to them.
I never would have thought that something like this would have happened to me and that it would be the reason for many sleepless nights. I have been writing this for the last two hours, getting it all out of my brain. Hopefully, it helps because all I want is to be able to sleep.
xx
