I need to sleep

Welcome back, I guess.

I've been lying here in bed trying to get to sleep and somehow I thought of this little place. It has been a good old while since I've written anything on here but I thought why not. I created this blog for this very reason; to get my thoughts out of my head.

It's funny how certain memories always find their way to the surface, especially those that you try and forget. So, I thought I may as well get it out because I just want to sleep. Sleep has always been a bit of an issue ever since I could remember. Recently I can be sleeping up to 10-12 hours a night whereas I'd normally be lucky to get 7-8. Let's be honest, sleep isn't the reason that I am here writing on here.
I'm actually here to get this event out of my head without me having to tell an actual person.

Not to sound cliche but this starts at a stupid college party.

I had just moved back into the city after having one of the best summers of my life. I had reconnected with someone from high school and we were taking it slow as we didn't know what was going to happen when it came to going back to university in different states. Before the event, it was only a handful of days before when my love and I decided to try long distance. I had already gone back to uni while he spent the last couple of days at home with his family before he too went back to uni away from home. He decided to spend the last couple of days of his break with me as I was gearing up for one of the biggest years of my life. I was working close to full time while starting my final year of uni and heading into my 21st year of being alive.

We said our goodbyes with tears in our eyes and our hearts on our sleeves. It was hard but we both made a promise to each other that we would do our very best at uni not only for ourselves but for each other.

I had been working flat out and as the week came to a close it was time to go to the event. My friend and I had decided that tonight was just gonna be about us having fun and having a dance. I spent the first hour or so of the party working but when that hour was up it was all fun from there. My friend and I went to the bar and got two cups of vodka punch each and downed them like they were water. See, my friend and I are both heavy drinkers so we get a little competitive when it comes to drinking and who can hold the most. A friendly bit of competition never hurt anyone right? Wrong, it hurt me. That was the most drunk I had been in a very long time. I still haven't decided if that's the reason I haven't really told anyone or not but either way I'm not proud of it.

Fast forward to my friend and I tearing up the dance floor and being the most social people you'll ever meet. If you knew us then you'll know that is not very like us. The later it got the messier people got. They eventually had to close the bar down to stop everyone from drinking so quickly.

That summer I had been working out and eating right and I felt good about my body. For once in my life, I felt confident. I decided to wear something I'd been wanting to wear for a while but never felt good enough to pull it off. It will always make me wonder if what I wore made it easier for him or not.

This party was the event to welcome all the old students back into the college and to meet the new students. So many of us hadn't seen each other all summer and we were all catching up on lost time. I had encountered this person that I used to live next to earlier in the night and said our hellos and moved on. The thing about this person was that for the first two years at college I had a little crush on him and would always look out for him when he drank a little too much. It would be from the occasional turning off his light to helping him with his assignments if he was too hungover. I always saw him as a friend even when he said some rouge things, even about my race. Well, this night wasn't any different from any other time I helped him out. As usual, he drank too much and was put to bed by another friend earlier in the night. Somehow to everyone's astonishment he reemerged an hour later and ready to party some more.

The party was on its last legs and people were either getting ready to go out or go to bed. This person came and found me and was spurting some bullshit that made no sense so I told my friend I was taking him back to his room. Even in the drunken state, I was in (and in heels) I still managed to get him up two flights of stairs back to his room. This is where my memory gets a bit fuzzy. I stumble into his room, the door has been closed and I kind of drop him on his bed. He then looks up at me standing there and reaches his arms out so I take my shoes off and sit next to him on his bed. He starts talking about something uninteresting which makes my tiredness creep over me. I decide to lay down and he wraps his arms around me. I naively think, "Okay this isn't bad, he thinks of me as a sister". Over the last two years of knowing him he never really tried anything. There was the occasional hug or kiss on the cheek when he was drunk but nothing major.

I'm laying there almost asleep when he reaches up to my head and turns my face into his. His mouth attaches to mine and I feel his tongue slide through my lips and into my mouth. For a second I can't process it as it actually happening. But, it only takes me a second longer to pull my face from his. I sit up, now kneeling on his bed facing him as he sprawls out looking back at me surprised that I've moved. The first thing I manage to say is "I've got a boyfriend now." For most of my life, that is what I've been taught: that men will respect other man's property more than they will respect a woman.

It wasn't for a couple of days after the party that I remembered this next part.

After telling him about my new boyfriend he still proceeds to stick his hands up my skirt. I don't know what came next though but I either punched him in the chest of fell of the bed backward trying to get away. That's when he just laughed at me, laughed at my stupidity for either trying to hurt him or for falling. Who knows, but that sparked something in me that reset my emotions back to their original setting: anger.

I had spent a lot of my youth channeling my anger into more constructive methods which has come to help present me but I am thankful at this time that that is what I switched back into. If I got paralysed by fear I don't know what would have happened. We as females have been taught our wholes lives how to avoid this type of situation and I finally found myself in the same situation that I had heard about from so many. It is painful to admit that through other people's suffering at the hands of others that I had the courage to fight for myself.

I remember how I began to cry and how my eyes were so wet that my fake lashes became unstuck. I don't know if you know but apparently, it takes a lot of tears to cry off your fake lashes. I do some yelling and screaming at him that makes him back off, probably in fear of people hearing me and coming in. I don't remember if I could to the bathroom once, twice or whatever but I find myself in there trying not to vomit from the alcohol. At this stage, it is about 12:30am and I just want to go to sleep, so I do just that. I wake in the bathroom stall with my head resting on my arms over the toilet. I search for my phone and keys but can't find them in the stall. I get up off the floor and walk out of the bathroom into a dead silent college corridor. I suddenly remember what has happened. I walk down the corridor and stop outside his door. It's closed but he left his swipe keycard in his name tag on his door. I insert the card and open it slowly letting light into his pitch black room. With the hallway light flooding his room, I see him just laying there peacefully asleep. I see my stuff and shoes and grab it all and walk out as quickly as I can. I hustle down the stairs and outside to head back to my room. It starts to rain and my eyes well up with tears as I shiver walking back to my room. I check my phone and it's about 4am. I'm still very drunk which makes me think it is a good idea to call my boyfriend. I fall into bed with my phone against my ear listening to it ring hoping he picks up. On the last ring, I hear his croaky voice answer. Hearing his voice I just start sobbing. I cry into the phone and tell him I'm sorry and how I let someone kiss me. He can't really understand what I'm saying but he says I'll call you back in the morning so we can talk properly. I agree and hang up and instantly fall asleep.

I wake up a couple of hours later searching for water and food. I'm very much still drunk and it is 11am. My boyfriend calls me back and he says I was talking about punching someone and that I didn't need to apologise for someone else kissing me. I decide not to tell him anything else from that night and say I need to get food. I tell him that I love him and I hang up. I order some chips from the place next to the college and barely get five chips down before I feel the need to vomit. I head back to college, find the bathroom and I just let it all out. It's about 2pm and I think I have finally become hungover. I crawl into bed, bin next to my head and I pass out for another three hours or so.

I wake to see a post on the college group page about someone's phone being lost. I connect dots and realise that I still have his phone. It's dinner time so I gather my shit and slowly walk over to his building. I cautiously walk up the stairs towards his corridor and reach his room. It's already open with no one inside. I slip in and rest his phone on his desk next to his bed and leave without a second thought.

I had churned this event over and over in my head a million times over the next couple of months. I was tired of thinking about the what-ifs and annoyed with myself for even getting into that situation. It wasn't for a couple of months later that a mutual friend brought up that night while celebrating a mate's 21st. Turns out that this mutual friend was the one that put him to bed the first time and she went on to joke about how he tried to kiss her too. Apparently much to his displeasure she got her face away before he could make contact. I just stood there, I didn't know what to do or say so after a couple of seconds I just laughed and brushed it off. I excused myself and went to the bathroom. All the emotions had come back and I felt exhausted. I got myself together and went back out to join the party.

Every now and again someone will mention sexual assault, rape or even his name and I fell my heart drop into my stomach. I feel my chest tighten and my eyes water slightly. It's been almost two years and it is something that continues to happen. The fact that I have a physical reaction to this event and I managed to get away, it deeply pains me to think of the people that this has happened to or that is still happening to them.

I never would have thought that something like this would have happened to me and that it would be the reason for many sleepless nights. I have been writing this for the last two hours, getting it all out of my brain. Hopefully, it helps because all I want is to be able to sleep. 

 
xx

Yo,

It's been almost a full year since I wrote here.  After just reading my post from last year, those feelings seem so foreign to me now.  I don't know if it's just this weekend or just a build up of everything from this year but to say the least I'm ready to go home.
This time last year a really awful thing happened that was completely unfair and came close to ruining a lot of peoples lives.  Having been reminded of it all again and how upset it makes people is truly awful and breaks my heart completely.
A mix of this and what's going on with uni and college is really dragging me down.  I'm letting a lot of people get on my nerves recently which is exhausting.  I'm not really enjoying uni anymore as I can't think creatively so it's just not cutting it.  I'm head's not in it and I'm getting easily distracted.  I have a feeling my grades will be pretty average this semester. I will literally procrastinate everything, I just cleaned my makeup brushes instead of finishing writing this.

I'm so unsure about everything.  I don't want these feelings, I don't want this shit. It's easy to distract myself with social media, movies and doing nothing.  I'm in such a middle state with everything and I don't know what I want.

I'm just done

It's been a while...

Wow

It's been a while since I've been on this blog.  It was only yesterday when I read through what I had written during 2012.  It's so weird to compare how I was feeling then to how I feel now.  There has been such a massive change in pretty much every aspect of my life.  It's made me a much happier person and I feel like I'm headed in the right direction for once in my life.  All the shit that I went through and also put myself through has made me a different person.  Hopefully for the better as well.  I can tell myself that there is a difference in my emotions and how I view myself and the people around me.  I don't care if no one else has noticed; it only matters to me.

I made it through the rest of school with minimal injury.  My mindset has changed.  My whole being has changed I think.  I'm slowly becoming a different person; becoming a better version of myself.  I'm not putting up with anyone's bullshit and not giving a fuck simultaneously.  I've stopped drinking as much and have started leading a healthier life.  I've cut out all the negative people in my life, which has really made a difference.

I must admit that this year, I have made some serious mistakes that I wish I had've thought about more.  Nevertheless, it's made me develop and think more before I act.  This year I've also had some of the best times and I wouldn't change that at all.  How I see it is that it can only really get better from here.  Your life is supposed to be filled with ups, downs and flips and shit.  It's never supposed to be on a straight line with you're existing and not actually living.

I'm having one of those moments where I need to write everything that I'm thinking and feeling.  I need to just get this out of my head for a bit.  It's clear to me that no one actually reads this blog that I know so I don't really give a fuck at all.  So if you're reading this and you know me personally; I will kill you if you mention that you're read this.  Just saying.

Anyway I'm pretty much done now anyway.  I really need to be doing some other things that really need to be done.  So yeah I, need to get my ass into motion right now.

Okay, over and out

 

2013

Hello,

It's been a very long time since I posted on here.  I started year 12 at the beginning of the year and geez I have so much stuff to get done.  My subjects for this year are Maths applied, English writing,  Art Studio, Textiles and a Student Directed Inquiry where I am hoping to publish a magazine.  After about three weeks of school I dropped out of math because I hate it.  So now I have a study instead.

I am on the student executive, youth ambassador for the red cross, on the ball committee, year book committee, yalari dinners and fundraisers, helping with the senior and middle school musical, organizing things for the boarding house, executive duties and visiting junior school classes; this is on top of my school work as well.      

Oh the fun.

4/11/2012

FUCK.

27/10/2012

Having a fight with mum because I told her that she was a bad parent for sending me to boarding school when I was 11.  Great.  I got told today that my grandfather is moving in with us for the next 6 months.  There are holidays for me in less than a month and mum wants one of us kids to move into the garage so he can have one of our rooms.  Firstly I am not moving all of my stuff into the garage and secondly I am actually over all this stuff with him.  I understand that he's sick and stuff but him moving in with us has made us broke because we have to pay for his medical bills, he doesn't help around the house(yes I know he's sick and stuff so he can't do much but we have to look after him and watch him).  Having him in the house is a constant reminder of death and it makes me feel worse.  I know that because he's sick that he can't go anywhere else but it still frustrates me.  I can't have friends over any more because mum thinks that they will feel awkward being around him. I'm not allowed to have parties any more. It just sucks being at home at the moment.

I had a practise exam for English on Friday, which is two 1000 word essays in two hours.  I think I did some what good on my analytical essay but when it came to my reflective essay I couldn't think of anything to write. I only managed to write a page worth of things. It was really bad.  I won't be surprised if I absolutely failed it.  I just feel more embarrassed that when my teacher comes to read it and she's going to be so disappointed in me.  I'm a bit worried that when she comes to talk about it to me that I might start crying.  I just couldn't concentrate at all, I had so many thoughts racing through my head that I couldn't even remember what I was supposed to be writing about.  

I have exams in three weeks.  I'm so scared that when it comes to my English exam that I'm going to freeze again and not be able to write anything.

When I get like this the only thing that I want to do is get drunk and be an idiot....
Please don't judge me.  It's even worse that none of my friends what to do it with me except my neighbour who is only 14 years old.  That makes it even worse.

This year has been hard.  It's been up and down all year.

      

23/10/2012

Wow I haven't posted in eight days... Sorry

Well nothing has really happened that's worth telling you about at all.  I've had school and I only have eight days of grade 11 left.  It's so exciting but scary at the same time because that means after school has finished I have a week then I start exams! I'm not sure how I'm going to go with them. Hopefully I get really good marks for my Art because I have actually worked so hard and I would just be so devastated if I didn't get a good mark.  Any way on the weekend it was or I was pretty emotional and for those who actually know me, I don't get emotional at all.  On Friday my Grandfather started chemotherapy again for I think the third or fourth time in a year. It's hard to live with him, to be in the same house as a really sick person that can potentially die in a year.  I'm not sure how I'm going to feel when he does pass.  I don't think I will have time to grieve because I will be more worried about my mum and my aunty. Trying to keep the family going.  Even though he has been sick for ages it's still going to hurt when he does leave this world.  Because he's sick mum can't work because she is looking after him so we don't much money at all.  It's just starting to get really hard.  I can see all the stress that mum is under and it worries me.

I'm starting to fall back into my old patterns.  In hearing some bad news from a friend on the weekend it has triggered old feelings and old habits.  It's making me feel guilty for not noticing and not doing anything.  I have moments when I just want to give in.  I have times where I feel so sad because I remember those times that I want to forget but then I'll be back to how I was before.

I'm excited to finish school for this year, and that means that I only have one more year left then I'm out into the real world!! Well dinner is soon so boo, I'm going downstairs.

I'm really into This singer called Bridgit Mendler, whose debut album came out yesterday, it's called Hello My Name Is...   I'm really cool.  I also like this song called Old School by Hedley :D

Well I'm off bye for now and I probably wont be back on for a while knowing me.