27/10/2012

Having a fight with mum because I told her that she was a bad parent for sending me to boarding school when I was 11.  Great.  I got told today that my grandfather is moving in with us for the next 6 months.  There are holidays for me in less than a month and mum wants one of us kids to move into the garage so he can have one of our rooms.  Firstly I am not moving all of my stuff into the garage and secondly I am actually over all this stuff with him.  I understand that he's sick and stuff but him moving in with us has made us broke because we have to pay for his medical bills, he doesn't help around the house(yes I know he's sick and stuff so he can't do much but we have to look after him and watch him).  Having him in the house is a constant reminder of death and it makes me feel worse.  I know that because he's sick that he can't go anywhere else but it still frustrates me.  I can't have friends over any more because mum thinks that they will feel awkward being around him. I'm not allowed to have parties any more. It just sucks being at home at the moment.

I had a practise exam for English on Friday, which is two 1000 word essays in two hours.  I think I did some what good on my analytical essay but when it came to my reflective essay I couldn't think of anything to write. I only managed to write a page worth of things. It was really bad.  I won't be surprised if I absolutely failed it.  I just feel more embarrassed that when my teacher comes to read it and she's going to be so disappointed in me.  I'm a bit worried that when she comes to talk about it to me that I might start crying.  I just couldn't concentrate at all, I had so many thoughts racing through my head that I couldn't even remember what I was supposed to be writing about.  

I have exams in three weeks.  I'm so scared that when it comes to my English exam that I'm going to freeze again and not be able to write anything.

When I get like this the only thing that I want to do is get drunk and be an idiot....
Please don't judge me.  It's even worse that none of my friends what to do it with me except my neighbour who is only 14 years old.  That makes it even worse.

This year has been hard.  It's been up and down all year.

      

23/10/2012

Wow I haven't posted in eight days... Sorry

Well nothing has really happened that's worth telling you about at all.  I've had school and I only have eight days of grade 11 left.  It's so exciting but scary at the same time because that means after school has finished I have a week then I start exams! I'm not sure how I'm going to go with them. Hopefully I get really good marks for my Art because I have actually worked so hard and I would just be so devastated if I didn't get a good mark.  Any way on the weekend it was or I was pretty emotional and for those who actually know me, I don't get emotional at all.  On Friday my Grandfather started chemotherapy again for I think the third or fourth time in a year. It's hard to live with him, to be in the same house as a really sick person that can potentially die in a year.  I'm not sure how I'm going to feel when he does pass.  I don't think I will have time to grieve because I will be more worried about my mum and my aunty. Trying to keep the family going.  Even though he has been sick for ages it's still going to hurt when he does leave this world.  Because he's sick mum can't work because she is looking after him so we don't much money at all.  It's just starting to get really hard.  I can see all the stress that mum is under and it worries me.

I'm starting to fall back into my old patterns.  In hearing some bad news from a friend on the weekend it has triggered old feelings and old habits.  It's making me feel guilty for not noticing and not doing anything.  I have moments when I just want to give in.  I have times where I feel so sad because I remember those times that I want to forget but then I'll be back to how I was before.

I'm excited to finish school for this year, and that means that I only have one more year left then I'm out into the real world!! Well dinner is soon so boo, I'm going downstairs.

I'm really into This singer called Bridgit Mendler, whose debut album came out yesterday, it's called Hello My Name Is...   I'm really cool.  I also like this song called Old School by Hedley :D

Well I'm off bye for now and I probably wont be back on for a while knowing me.

15/10/12

I haven't posted in about five days...

The last time I posted something was Wednesday last week I think.  Well it's now Monday... Well on Thursday we had the day off because it was the Launceston show day.  I stayed at home and wrote an essay for school that was due the next day and tanned while doing it.  Yay for long summer days! I went back to the bh that night, blah.  I didn't get to sleep until about 12am on the Thursday night/Friday morning.  Also on the Friday I had an in-class essay for the same subject that I had to write the essay for.  Well that wasn't a fun day at all.  I helped a friend out on Friday after school with a photo shoot. It took forever to do and we used a horse in it and everything.   I got back to the boarding house at about 6:30 and of course got in trouble by Mrs Coats and co. because I was an hour late... Woops.  I went home that night, but I was supposed to go out for dinner for my friends birthday, but I wasn't in the mood at all to socialise.  So I spent the night at home, I can't even remember what I was going... But anyway, yeah I went for a drive on Saturday morning as well.  I went driving for about 30 minutes ish.  Then I was supposed to hang out with my friend but they changed plans last minutes on me, so then I had no more plans.  Then Chloe came over and asked if I wanted to go to the show with her.  It took lots of convincing to make me go but she ended up  paying for me to get in.  We went on this ride called the Power Surge, we pretty much spent the whole time upside down on the ride.  It made me feel sick for the rest of the day cause we were spinning so much!  It was horrible!   So then Chloe and I spent the rest of the day together doing nothing, talking etc.  We watched heaps of movies and we got invited to a party that night but her mum wouldn't let her go so she was getting upset but by the end of the night she didn't care that much. We made up a handshake cause we are so cool like that.  I left her house at about 12:20am Sunday morning.  It was a good night chilling together.  It was such a nice day on Sunday, the sun was shining it was a brilliant cloudless blue sky.  It was great tanning weather.  Mum was going gardening all weekend and so we went to the plant shop and brought some strawberries, chillies, corn and some other things to plant in the veggie garden.  But mum planted then while Chloe and I washed her car for her.  Then we went to her house to see if her mum wanted us to wash her car.  But because her older brothers friend was there we washed his car for him.  Man it was a dirty car.  He didn't even pay us, but it was okay because he was hot.  Chloe and I kept splashing each other the hose and we threw the sponges at each other while we were washing.  We spent the rest of the day tanning, talking and being fools.  It was a great weekend.  I'm pretty tanned now, which is great of course.  Today after school I went to k-mart with some of the girls from the bh.  I brought some new foundation and Meg and I went halfs in donuts and apple and toffee muffins.  These muffins are actually the best thing ever! I wore a maxi skirt today, it was great! That's pretty much everything that has happened to me in the last five days.  I have a test this Wednesday after school and then five tests all next week. Starting from tomorrow(Tuesday) I have thirteen days left of school this year but then I have three days of exams two weeks after the official last day of school(thirteen days)! How exciting! It feels like we only just started school, this year has gone so fast this year.  But I'm so happy that it has!

Does any one actually read this?? If you're from tumblr send me a message or something just saying hi and shit.  But if you are from anywhere else still send me a message or some thing on this.  I'm not sure if you can but it won't hurt trying right? click here for my tumblr

I'm currently writing a bucket list for these summer holidays hopefully a thing for each day or something so I don't get bored.  How exciting!!  Throughout summer I'll post all my pictures and videos and stuff here.  Hopefully I'll remember to take pictures!    

   

      

10/10/12

Okay actually writing for the right day.

Today is Wednesday, I pretty much wasted my study that I had first two periods this morning.  Then I had Art where I was going to kill the computer and printer, but luckily for the computer I didn't.  After this the whole school had a chapel service in the HPEC where we have to take off our shoes and sit on the ground while the teachers get to sit on the chairs.  It was about the visitors that came down from Cape York.  By the end of it my ass was numb.  We had jacket potatoes for lunch.  But as I was already in a bad mood from Art, it soon worsened because of the massive line and the fact that I was supposed to me over the road in the middle school getting help from my maths teacher. So by the time I got my lunch then made it over there it was already 1:15 and I was 10 minutes late.  I was getting help because I had to resit a past math test to boost up my mark to a B.  After lunch I had english studies, and my teacher told us the themes for out book then wrote them on the board and we answered some questions in groups then the lesson was over, thank goodness.  So after the last two periods you would think that one would go home but no, I had to do another test.  When I was doing the test it only had 4 questions on it but the questions had on average 3 parts to the actual question but it still took me an hour to make sure that everything was correct or some where close to right.  I've come home tonight to be out of the bh and to hopefully tomorrow on our day off because of show day, I will have my essay finished ready for Friday.  I started ready Looking for Alaska before I can home, and surprisingly it is quite easy to read and follow because of the simple sentence structure.  It's good so far and I'm enjoying reading it.  Well good night because  I am literally falling asleep writing this.  Good night again.        

9/10/12

Today after school I went on a coffee date with the wonderful Meg to Hudsons Coffee.  I saw Colin in town and chatted ever so casually.  I had toasted banana bread and a caramel latte, and Meg had a hot chocolate with a toasted bagel.  Yummy!  We went shopping a bit in some shops and Meg bought a book called The Perks of Being a Wallflower and a Dolly or Girlfriend magazine.  After this we headed to the library!  Meg wanted to pick up a book that she had put on hold and I wanted to look for a book that I had seen on Tumblr and another book also by John Green that Meg had told me about.  I only found one book, Looking for Alaska. I found out when my interview for the Florida Round Square conference will be, it's on Friday at 1:30, during lunch time.  That's all I can really remember from yesterday because I'm actually writing this on Wednesday(today).  Yeah I know boring. But last night I had the thought of doing a Student Directed Inquiry next year as part of year 12 instead of doing either maths applied or geography.  I had the idea of publishing my own magazine.  It would be a cross of Frankie/Oyster etc and Dolly/Girlfriend/Cleo/Cosmo etc.  So I would hopefully, take most of the pictures that would feature in the magazine, talk to newspapers/local magazines about publishing and also interview people and I want to write the articles that will be in the magazines.  I'm not sure if this is a good idea or what or if I can even do it but I'll ask about it on Friday or next Monday.  But anyway good night for Tuesday.

8/10/12

I didn't post last night because my computer refused to connect to the school's internet.

On Monday at school, to my knowledge, the most emotional assembly that I have ever been to.  It started out by having a member of the student executive read out his speech and told the whole school that he has a rear type of disease that affects his stomach and digestive stuff and I think he said from the end of last year that he has had three major surgeries and has been in and out of hospital all this year.  Also about the dark times that he has experienced throughout his life because of his illness.  Towards the end of the speech he was thanking everyone that has stood by him through his illness and he started to cry and I could feel the whole emotion of the room drop in an instant.  It was horrible to see someone stand there crying telling his story.  But despite that I have realised just how strong one person can be.  Then two boys performed a really sad song, they didn't do a very good job of it but it was still really sad.  After this performance the winners of the short stories were announced and two of them were read out.  The first one was about a girl that was depressed and really alone.  The story focused on the events that happened before she committed suicide by drug overdose.  It was so well written that you could literally imagine and see every detail that she had written.  And this was written by a year 9 student.  I loved her story so much that when they read another story after I could not stop thinking about the previous story.  Her story was just amazing, it had such a good meaning and oh it was just amazing even though it brought the atmosphere of the room down further.  Enough about that any way.  On Monday I felt really dizzy, I think I first noticed it during period 5, because I started swaying and feeling really light headed.  So after lunch during art I couldn't really concentrate that well unfortunately.  But once I had gotten back to the bh and had something more substantial to eat I didn't feel so faint.  Because that day I had had a small bowl of cereal, two small bananas and a yoghurt all day.  But I had drunken almost a full drink bottle. I've started watching glee again as well which I am really excited about.  So I'm up to season 4 episode 18 I think.  Well that's all I can really remember from yesterday.  And because this has taken me about 15/17 minutes to write my internet is about to cut out so I don't really have time to write about what I have done today, but hopefully I will catch up with everything by tomorrow night.             

7/10/2012

SUNDAY!!!

Okay well today is Sunday and also the day that daylight savings starts in Launceston where I live.  So today when I woke up i looked at my cow alarm clock and it said 9:30am so I was like to myself okay go check tumblr and facebook etc. so I did for I don't know how long.  So when it hit 11:00am on my computer and was like "SHIT!" I checked my ipod and that said 11:00 oclock as well so ! went and got ready like really fast so I could get shit done today.  Then after I got ready and everything I sat on my bed and checked my alarm clock again and it read 10:30... I was really confused so I went out to the kitchen to ask somebody and there was nobody home, at all.  I knew that my mum and little sister were out my I thought that at least my aunty would be home. But no. So I went back to my room and checked every possible clock that I own to see what the time actually was.  Turns out that the daylight savings started today and it was actually 11:30am, I only knew because I had googled it...  So that was a weird start to my morning.  Oh and last night after I posted for Saturday I was just about to go to sleep then I heard this really loud wailing noise, almost.  It would last for about 20 seconds each time getting louder and louder.  I thought it was my sister being an idiot on skype to one of her friends in her room but it wasn't.  After about 7 rounds of that wailing noise I got up and went into my sister's room to find my mum already in there trying to wake my aunty up because it was her making the noises. She does it while she is asleep and she can tell that she does it but she doesn't know how to stop it.  She only stops it when someone wakes her up.  Weird I know.  But anyway I didn't do anything for the rest of the day.  I did some art journalling and on tumblr and stuff but nothing important at all.  I came back to the bh at like 6ish to find my friend Meg had moved back in after being not in the bh for about a month. So I was super happy to see her!  After dinner we spent about an hour outside on the swings talking and being kids.  It was good to have a catch up with her after so long.  Well that's about it for today because I don't have any more interesting stories.  Oh tomorrow is the first day of being able to wear our summer uniform!! YAY!! well anyway, good night.

6/10/12

Well today was extremely boring, I stayed at the bh last night and surprisingly I woke up there too.  I started downloading new music this morning.  I decided to read a One Direction Fanfic... Big mistake.  The fanfics or imagines or what ever the fuck they are, are so completely perverted and I felt like I was reading 50 shades of grey with One Direction in it.  The first one I read was about Niall I think, it popped up on my dash this morning and I was like oh what the hell I might as well read it, I bet it will be a great read.  No think again.  It was pretty much just porn in very, very descriptive words for directioners.  I swear at one point I was so shocked by what I was reading that I had my hand over my open mouth cause I was so shocked by what I was reading.  So of course the normal thing to do would be to read more fanfics wouldn't it be?  So I did, I read more fanfics.  They were all just as bad as the previous one.  After being so shocked by reading these I went in to town to drop off my resume to a local cafe because I'm trying to find a job.  After this I just went back to the bh to pack up my stuff to go home to stay the night.  So I basically did nothing for the rest of the day.  I downloaded about 40 songs today and  watched so many youtube clips.  I drove home from the supermarket today and that's about it. I should of been doing my essay, doing some journalling in my art journal etc. But of course I didn't do any school related work at all.  I'm really tired so I might leave it there for tonight people.  Good night everyone.

5/10/12

I didn't post on Friday night cause I was super, super, super tired and I just went to bed..... So I will do two tonight to make up for it.

Okay on Thursday night I studied all prep(supervised homework time) for my Biology test the next day.  I made coloured coded palm cards, rote out notes, reread notes and did some past exam questions for that criteria.  Because I'm weird I couldn't concentrate in my room or any where else, so I went on the hunt to find a quiet space.  So I sat down next to the radio at the front desk because there was nobody there and I miss listening to the radio when I'm at the bh.  So I start to get my work done etc. etc. and as I'm sitting there behind the desk on the floor, where people can't see me, people come in (mainly tutors) making lots of noise and complaining about the other students blah blah blah.  So by the end of the night there was so much fucking noise where I was trying to study, I was going to scream at this one bitch tutor that I hate and she always gangs up on my little sister that is 14!! There is one tutor that I don't mind distracting me from my study but omg I was going to kill that bitch!!
Okay Friday!!
So Friday was the day of the Biology retest.  I luckily had a study that morning and sent it going back over my palm cards and notes which by the end of it gave me a headache and sore neck from looking at my books for too long.  Oh and the other day my friend said that they were going to help me study for the test cause they got As, well that morning, they just sat there on their computer and did the complete opposite of what they said that they would do. Well this really fucked me off!  When I got given the test and flipped it over ready to start, I was like what is this fuckery, since when was all this stuff in the criteria that we were studying?  O found out that there were more things to fucking study for in the test! This had fucked me up big time.  We only had 34 minutes to do a 7 page test. each question required a lot of reading and understanding and shit and it just threw me off having those other questions on there.  I was fucked.  Even though I studied so hard for this test I probably still won't pass, and my teacher is going to think I am a bigger fucking dumb-ass then I already am.  Anyway I'm over it, for now anyway.  So at lunch time I had, hopefully, my last photo shoot for my final art piece.  It was starting to get old, because I had done about four shoots and reshoots.  But I got it finished so I only had to upload and edit them which wouldn't take me long and it really helped that I stayed after school until about 4:30.  Nothing else really happened to me for the rest of the night except that I watched summer heights high with a bunch of 13 year olds for my Friday night, but who's complaining, they gave me chocolate and doritos, so I was happy.  

4/10/12

I've started to realise that I'm using this blog to keep track of my feelings and thoughts and also what is happening in my life.  I find talking to people about this stuff challenging so I guess that's why this is so easy for me.  Today has been up and down for me today, my emotions have been all over the place.  One minute it will all be smiles and laughing then I will become silent and anti-social.  This happened a couple of times today with the main one at lunch time when I went looking for my friend in the textiles room and instead saw my ex standing there in the room with my other friend because they are on the tune now.  As soon as I saw him I quickly turned around and headed in the other direction.  I don't even know why I did it, it has just become habit now because I find it very awkward when we are in a room together now.  It never used to bother me that one of my close friends and hi are on the tune and have been for a while. But lately and especially today it's made me a bit angry.  I think the main part that annoys me about this situation is that when they first started tuning she kept it a secret from me and never tried to talk to me about it.  But then when I over heard them talking about it and guessed who they were talking about she didn't really talk about it to me either.  Also when I asked one of the friends that knew, they got in trouble from her for telling me.  I pretended to me angry at her, which scared the shit out of her, and she literally thought that I was going to mouth her and punch her in the face.  But at the moment I feel like doing whenever I see them together.  If you are wondering, yes I am completely over him, it's just that before we broke up I made things really complicated because I kind of ignored him a little bit because I had to deal with my own shit, and I didn't want to burden him with my own struggles and problems.  At the end of term one when school was getting really stressful and I wasn't coping very well at all, I just completely broke down. The pressure form school and all the stress from trying to make time for him, my school work, family time and seeing my friends just became too much for me.  I didn't go to school one day because I spent the whole day crying, while trying to get my essay written.  On top of that The lady that works at the front desk was giving me a hard time and yelling at me for not going to school that day, when I think it was the first day I had missed all term.  Then in those holidays I just had a horrible time, for the first four days I couldn't get out of how i was feeling, the first night that i moved out of the boarding house I just cried and cried at whole night and it wasn't even a good reason either.  I think that having bottled everything up all term then all of a sudden the pressure just got to me and I just caved in.  All of these feelings and thoughts come flooding back to me sometimes and it makes me feel like shit then other times I couldn't care less about any of that shit.  This is that shit that keeps me up at night.
I've just kind of had a little rant tonight because I've had a lot on my mind today/tonight.
I had a photo shoot today for my final practical work for my TCE art class, and I have another one tomorrow at lunch time.  It's going to take me a long time to sort through all the photos I have taken and that I will take because for each person on average I take about 250/300 images of them. Yay for me right?  I have a biology test that I kind of studied for tonight but because I have/had so much on my mind I'm not sure how much I will remember for the test.  I should probably go to sleep now because it's 10:50pm and I need to get up at 6:45am to get ready for school tomorrow.  Because I got out of the shower late I can't post this tonight because the fucking internet has been cut off.  So it's going up tomorrow morning.  So again good night to whom ever reads this. I've realised that writing this makes me feel better and lets me stop thinking about the things as much as I used to.  Stick around because I'm sure heaps of interesting things will happen on here in the upcoming weeks.

3/10/12

Nothing exciting happened to me today at all.  My mum signed the forms for my application to a conference in Florida for next year.  I didn't think mum would let me go but yeah I hope I get chosen to go next year.  I'm going to have to work at least 4 jobs during the upcoming holidays so I can pay for as much of the fees to go so I can actually go if I do get chosen!  I have a biology re-test on Friday that I haven't really studied for it... I'm so fucked! I just get distracted because I don't want to do it and I'm not very good at it so I don't end up doing anything... My life isn't very eventful lately, but in like the next three weeks it's going to get hectic.  Because I have lots of re-tests and essays in the upcoming weeks and I'm going to be brain dead by the time I finish school this year.  The internet cuts out in about ten minutes which totally sucks!! it even cuts out at ten on the weekends.  Oh I got accepted in to the Trinity Institute 2012 Summer School in December!! I'm so excited for it, it goes for two weeks from the start of December and it's in Melbourne which makes it so much better! I'm so excited for it though, but I have to leave two days early because the camps still going when my school has it's final assembly which I need to be at, just in case I get any captaincies for grade 12 next year. Hopefully I will get Boarding House captain, House captain and maybe School captain but I doubt I will get School captain because they usually pick someone who is extremely academic  which I am not.   Well my internet is about to cut out so good night to whoever reads this, if anybody even does.

2/10/12

Day 2                                                                                                                                 02/10/2012

Okay so today is day two of this blog thing, and it's going to be my diary so I can get everything off my chest about how I'm feeling and what has happened to me today etc.  Well today I had a pretty breezy day because I had Math in the morning then Art then I had a study where I went to the textiles room to re-hem my school skirt.  In maths we started a new unit but because none of my class had printed out the new booklet that we needed for the unit some of us had to go get computer, that included me thank god.  So naturally I logged on to Tumblr... and I was on youtube looking up the cover by Lennon and Maisy Stella of I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz, which if I might add is brilliant! So on youtube I found the best wedding proposal where there is a dancing flashmob to Bruno Mars' cover of Marry You. It is the sweetest, cutest thing I have ever witnessed!  Any then Art came around after recess and that was a bludge as per usual. I booked another photoshoot for my final photography piece on Thursday, so hopefully I can get all my images into photoshop where I can edit them.  Then study after lunch, another bludge!! I went to the textiles room to re-hem my school shirt because the first time I hemmed it was falling out.
I'm feeling pretty chilled today, nothing really happened to upset me or make me angry so I was pretty calm maybe happy today.  I applied for the Internation Round Square Conference in Florida next year today.  It's $6000 just to go for I think just the week.  I'm going to have to have/get three jobs in the holidays just so I can pay for the trip.  I have the dilemma of either going on the French Trip where they cost the same pretty much, with Josh and Meg or go on the Conference with possibly Holly, Gemma and Brigitte... So I don't know what I want to do.  Jenko hasn't said whether there is going to be a pre/post conference tour or not, but I hope there is, because that's pretty much all the fun!  I haven't asked mum about either of them yet, so I'm not even sure if mum will let me go.  I wish that my mum or dad would just win the lottery already.  That would make everything so much easier.
Well I think I might leave it there then, I'll see if I can post the links to the two things I found today.  Good night.

1/10/2012

I made this to express what I keep tucked away in my head only for me to hear.  I'm not sure if I'm even going to be using this but, meh.  I need to express what I want in word and sentences more.  I hope it will help me get things out more and not keep things so bottled up.  Well I kind of made this because my best friend is in Denmark for 2 and a half months at the moment and I'm stuck here without her.  I go to fucking boarding school and I actually live 10 minutes down the road from the school but cause of my scholarship I legally have to stay in the boarding house for at least 4/5 nights a week.  I have been here for 5 years, I moved out of home to go to boarding school when I was 11.  Because of this I forced myself to grow up and develop a wall to keep other people out.  I've always struggled at school and I don't think I will get any better.  I see my dad at the most 1 or 2 times a year, my Grandfather has skin cancer and I'm watching him slowly die which is heart breaking for me to see my mother watch as well.  We live pay check to pay check.  My younger sister is always getting awards for sport, she's one of the popular kids at school, my older brother is extremely smart and has a lot going for him and then there's me.  I'm the one in the middle who's bad at school, socially awkward, broken and can't keep a relationship going.  The reason why I started writing this is because I don't have anyone to talk to really, my best friend is in a different time zone and I live in a fucking boarding house.  I keep falling back into bad habits that are really hard to get out of.  I told some people something that I would never tell a soul but because I was out of my mind drunk I just blurted it out without thinking about it.  So after that they find it awkward around me and kind of keep and eye on me at times to make sure that I don't do anything drastic.  Which is kind of nice but I honestly don't want them looking after me.  I really need to get some homework done now, so I might leave it there because if i don't get this fucking essay written my teacher will literally stab me with her pen tomorrow.