4/10/12

I've started to realise that I'm using this blog to keep track of my feelings and thoughts and also what is happening in my life.  I find talking to people about this stuff challenging so I guess that's why this is so easy for me.  Today has been up and down for me today, my emotions have been all over the place.  One minute it will all be smiles and laughing then I will become silent and anti-social.  This happened a couple of times today with the main one at lunch time when I went looking for my friend in the textiles room and instead saw my ex standing there in the room with my other friend because they are on the tune now.  As soon as I saw him I quickly turned around and headed in the other direction.  I don't even know why I did it, it has just become habit now because I find it very awkward when we are in a room together now.  It never used to bother me that one of my close friends and hi are on the tune and have been for a while. But lately and especially today it's made me a bit angry.  I think the main part that annoys me about this situation is that when they first started tuning she kept it a secret from me and never tried to talk to me about it.  But then when I over heard them talking about it and guessed who they were talking about she didn't really talk about it to me either.  Also when I asked one of the friends that knew, they got in trouble from her for telling me.  I pretended to me angry at her, which scared the shit out of her, and she literally thought that I was going to mouth her and punch her in the face.  But at the moment I feel like doing whenever I see them together.  If you are wondering, yes I am completely over him, it's just that before we broke up I made things really complicated because I kind of ignored him a little bit because I had to deal with my own shit, and I didn't want to burden him with my own struggles and problems.  At the end of term one when school was getting really stressful and I wasn't coping very well at all, I just completely broke down. The pressure form school and all the stress from trying to make time for him, my school work, family time and seeing my friends just became too much for me.  I didn't go to school one day because I spent the whole day crying, while trying to get my essay written.  On top of that The lady that works at the front desk was giving me a hard time and yelling at me for not going to school that day, when I think it was the first day I had missed all term.  Then in those holidays I just had a horrible time, for the first four days I couldn't get out of how i was feeling, the first night that i moved out of the boarding house I just cried and cried at whole night and it wasn't even a good reason either.  I think that having bottled everything up all term then all of a sudden the pressure just got to me and I just caved in.  All of these feelings and thoughts come flooding back to me sometimes and it makes me feel like shit then other times I couldn't care less about any of that shit.  This is that shit that keeps me up at night.
I've just kind of had a little rant tonight because I've had a lot on my mind today/tonight.
I had a photo shoot today for my final practical work for my TCE art class, and I have another one tomorrow at lunch time.  It's going to take me a long time to sort through all the photos I have taken and that I will take because for each person on average I take about 250/300 images of them. Yay for me right?  I have a biology test that I kind of studied for tonight but because I have/had so much on my mind I'm not sure how much I will remember for the test.  I should probably go to sleep now because it's 10:50pm and I need to get up at 6:45am to get ready for school tomorrow.  Because I got out of the shower late I can't post this tonight because the fucking internet has been cut off.  So it's going up tomorrow morning.  So again good night to whom ever reads this. I've realised that writing this makes me feel better and lets me stop thinking about the things as much as I used to.  Stick around because I'm sure heaps of interesting things will happen on here in the upcoming weeks.