1/10/2012

I made this to express what I keep tucked away in my head only for me to hear.  I'm not sure if I'm even going to be using this but, meh.  I need to express what I want in word and sentences more.  I hope it will help me get things out more and not keep things so bottled up.  Well I kind of made this because my best friend is in Denmark for 2 and a half months at the moment and I'm stuck here without her.  I go to fucking boarding school and I actually live 10 minutes down the road from the school but cause of my scholarship I legally have to stay in the boarding house for at least 4/5 nights a week.  I have been here for 5 years, I moved out of home to go to boarding school when I was 11.  Because of this I forced myself to grow up and develop a wall to keep other people out.  I've always struggled at school and I don't think I will get any better.  I see my dad at the most 1 or 2 times a year, my Grandfather has skin cancer and I'm watching him slowly die which is heart breaking for me to see my mother watch as well.  We live pay check to pay check.  My younger sister is always getting awards for sport, she's one of the popular kids at school, my older brother is extremely smart and has a lot going for him and then there's me.  I'm the one in the middle who's bad at school, socially awkward, broken and can't keep a relationship going.  The reason why I started writing this is because I don't have anyone to talk to really, my best friend is in a different time zone and I live in a fucking boarding house.  I keep falling back into bad habits that are really hard to get out of.  I told some people something that I would never tell a soul but because I was out of my mind drunk I just blurted it out without thinking about it.  So after that they find it awkward around me and kind of keep and eye on me at times to make sure that I don't do anything drastic.  Which is kind of nice but I honestly don't want them looking after me.  I really need to get some homework done now, so I might leave it there because if i don't get this fucking essay written my teacher will literally stab me with her pen tomorrow.